What's Important

OK, I was wrong. It's not that easy. Knowing that a month from now I more than likely will no longer have a job is weighing on me, more than a little bit.

It's particularly difficult being in the office, where almost everyone is going through the same range of emotions as me. Almost everyone. See, there are a few fortunate folks who can rest assured that the company will not let them go this time around, the ones who have been given subtle (not verbal) notice not to worry, that their places are secure for now. I am not one of those people.

You know the toughest part? Hearing laughter rise from one of the nearby cubicles, where the bosses hold whispered conversations with the fortunate few. It irks me, but it's not their fault. It's just self pity trying to swallow me, and I won't let that happen. For one thing, I'm too busy working to really let it get to me.

What's important is this: Mama Bird, the Little Bird and the soon-to-arrive new Baby Bird. I know that. I also know that, in a way, the end of my career at this newspaper will present an opportunity I've never had, which is to spend at least half a year still getting paid (severance!) while doing my own writing. If I'm ever going to fulfill this dream of becoming a fiction writer, now seems to be the time. It's a gift, as is my family.

What's bothering me is this: It's not my choice. After all the sacrifice, all the years of giving of myself to this irksome, thankless profession, the appreciation I receive if I'm laid off is essentially ... nothing. Oh, I've seen and done things I never would have done without the job, and for that I am thankful. I'll write about some of those things later. But nothing will replace the time spent away from home. Nothing about this is a rightful payoff for the the holidays worked, the illnesses worked through, the indignities suffered. Still, if (when) it happens, the best I can do is greet it smiling, with dignity and grace. I'll do that for myself and for my family.

Then I'll turn my attention to the important things.